So last week I realised I was running on fumes and packed all full of crazy in the face - it kind of sneaks up on you and until you look back weeks rather than hours or just days you don't realise how bad you've got - but I was a wreck, I was scared and anxious all the time, avoiding people, snarly and bitchy and just so, so tired - but too anxious to sleep. I finally admitted I was a bit lost and spoke to my HV and then my GP (as I posted on Friday on this blog post)
I was pretty much this by the time I spoke to someone and I was feeling pretty lonely and worried that if I DID speak up people would know what a Bad Mummy I was and I wouldn't get to be with the boys. Even as I was thinking things like that I knew they weren't true - but when you feel that kind of anxiety nothing is very rational.
The following day I'd taken two of my new tablets - the ones designed to stop me fizzing with constant anxiety and help me to be me and sleep again. I'd slept better the previous night after my first tablet - probably more because I'd actually spoken to someone and hadn't been called a freak. Probably mostly down to the fact that a number of people had read my blog and commented and said "Me too" - knowing I wasn't alone helped a lot. I still felt, though, like it was all just on the other side of a look or a comment or a single cry from the boys - all the crazy just sitting there under my skin waiting to blow up.
5 days in now though I'm beginning to see that there might be light at the end of the tunnel. I take my tablets in the morning and for a couple of hours I feel sick but that's already getting better. I have breakfast and do housework and play with my boys. Today we're going out (we went out on Sunday to a family gathering but I had Alex with me and didn't really speak to anyone) and I'm actually looking forward to it, not doing it because I feel I have to or there's something that needs to be done.
Last night I went to bed - quite late because I've got used to being awake late - but I fell asleep quickly, and slept more soundly than I have in a long time. In the morning I woke up and the boys were still sleeping - for the first time in weeks I just woke up without having to be dragged out of bed feeling like I was drugged.
I managed, last night, to have a conversation with Alex in which I didn't forget any of the words I wanted to use, I didn't drift off and stop paying attention halfway through and I didn't lose my temper with him - it's like a fog that's been sitting inside my brain has started to clear and drift away and in the middle of it the real me is waiting.
There's a way to go and I know I'm still mostly Crazy in the Face - but one day I hope I'll be as chilled as this woman!