There are two kinds of people. I have lots of time for the first kind and less and less for the other. In my yoof I knew that this "other" kind were the ones who seemed to have the best of things - they were the popular kids at school, they were the ones going to all the parties I was not only not invited to but didn't even know were happening until I heard all the stories the next week.
The first kind of people are the ones I try to surround myself with. When you're having a hard time they're there. They can sympathise, or empathise, without feeling a need to criticise even if the mess you're in is totally down to you acting like a raging fuckwit. Even if - scratch that, particularly when - the mess is entirely of my own making if I ask for help I need help, not seven flavours of I told you so from Captain Smug and his sidekick Buttlicker.
The first kind, when you're on the up, are genuinely pleased for you - they congratulate you and tell their friends "hey, my friend, she's awesome!"
The second kind try to crap all over it. If you're doing well somewhere they want to point out the places you're failing - got a new job? Oh, you don't want to be with the kids then? Full time Mum? Oh, you don't think the kids need more than just, you know, you? Passed your exams? Well done I guess - I did better though.
These people are turning up mote and more in my life at the moment. I think it's partly because I'm meeting more people right now; I also see it in people I've known fir years, who see me as a jobless nobody who'll never amount to anything and are discomforted by me starting to find my way in the world and feel good about myself. It turns out my struggles and unhappiness in the past have been one of the places they get their feel goods from - they just compare themselves to me and see themselves as better.
That makes me sad. Firstly because they underestimate me so much (we all know I'm totally kick ass awesome, right?!) but also because finding other people to shit on in order to feel superior is a nasty way to stumble through life.
I don't compare myself to you. I touched on it in a previous post - my worst thing doesn't have anything to do with your best thing; my anything has nothing to do with your anything. I do nit compare myself to you. We are different. If you succeed I am glad for you. Sometimes i might be jealous, but that doesn't erase my pleasure for you. If you fail, I feel bad for you, even if I dislike you, because it's tough and sad. I don 't glory in your failure. I don't celebrate it.
There is only one way I compare us and it's simply that I am someone I like to be around, and i'm someone I am happy to let my children know. I can't say that for you, so I'm sorry but I'm walking away, you're no longer part of my sphere of influence. Poison breeds poison and I only want the sunshine in our life. I hope that you find some happy. please leave me alone to celebrate mine.
Sorry about the many spelling errors I posted from my phone and couldn't see what I was writing as I wrote!
ReplyDeleteoh Lizzie that souunds as if its written from someone who's feeling hurt right now :-(
ReplyDeleteHope everything is ok - am waiting paitenly to find out more about your new venture!!!
Call me/text me etc etc - I off work for 6 weeks from weds we should meet up !!!!!!! yay!!!
It often strikes me that such views stem from insecurity. At least that's the way I try to shrug this kind of thing off. Ultimately I reason that it doesn't come from a happy place and I'm lucky for not feeling what they're feeling.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest thing I've found since becoming a (step)parent has been talking about a problem one of my kids has. There's so much bravado and my-kid-is-better-than-your-kid that there is a lack of honesty about the very thing we all claim is most important in our lives. For heavens sake they're children, not bragging tools!
Coming from within the first... I remember seeing this many, many years ago; in an earlier incarnation of a bright young thing who exuded sunshine every day. It's fabulous that she's looking for the sunshine again but don't look too far - it's still with you!
ReplyDeleteWhy ARE you so paranoid? Why DO you think that everybody is so preoccupied with YOU? Why do you think that anybody else really cares?? We are all just trying to muddle through the best we can and you are juts one very small part of a very big world. Get your head down, get on with your life and pull yourself out of this crazy spiral of self indulgence, it's not pretty love. I BET this won't get posted because you cannot bear to have the truth spoken about your ramblings, lest we all see what an insecure, self involved mess you are these days.
ReplyDeleteSurely by reading people's blogs you are reading someone's self-involved ramblings? It's what a blog usually is! I know mine is a kind of diary, sometimes of what we've been doing but often my feelings. In fact, I am SO self-indulgent I write 2 blogs.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's paranoia to think that some people are comparing themselves or are thinking they are better than you, it's often the way it is, especially once you have kids. The ridiculous mothering competetiveness starts from day one with "how much did your baby weigh?"
Don't you think it's particularly cruel to call someone an "insecure, self involved mess" ESPECIALLY when they've openly talked about having post natal depression? I was so shocked by your comment, I actually thought it was a joke as I didn't actually believe anyone could be that openly rude or cruel.
It's important to grow up and realise the type of people you are happy to spend time with, otherwise life is miserable pretending to like people that you don't. Life is too short for all that.
You've hit the nail on the head! I certainly feel and understand your sentiments.
ReplyDeleteAnd if one doesn't get or agree with it, why bother commenting. Read it and move on.
This blog wasn't a random thought it was an attack which is why it has caused upset. Unfortunatley the irony is that the author of this blog is unknowingly guilty of the exact thing she has blogged about.
ReplyDelete