There are two kinds of people. I have lots of time for the first kind and less and less for the other. In my yoof I knew that this "other" kind were the ones who seemed to have the best of things - they were the popular kids at school, they were the ones going to all the parties I was not only not invited to but didn't even know were happening until I heard all the stories the next week.
The first kind of people are the ones I try to surround myself with. When you're having a hard time they're there. They can sympathise, or empathise, without feeling a need to criticise even if the mess you're in is totally down to you acting like a raging fuckwit. Even if - scratch that, particularly when - the mess is entirely of my own making if I ask for help I need help, not seven flavours of I told you so from Captain Smug and his sidekick Buttlicker.
The first kind, when you're on the up, are genuinely pleased for you - they congratulate you and tell their friends "hey, my friend, she's awesome!"
The second kind try to crap all over it. If you're doing well somewhere they want to point out the places you're failing - got a new job? Oh, you don't want to be with the kids then? Full time Mum? Oh, you don't think the kids need more than just, you know, you? Passed your exams? Well done I guess - I did better though.
These people are turning up mote and more in my life at the moment. I think it's partly because I'm meeting more people right now; I also see it in people I've known fir years, who see me as a jobless nobody who'll never amount to anything and are discomforted by me starting to find my way in the world and feel good about myself. It turns out my struggles and unhappiness in the past have been one of the places they get their feel goods from - they just compare themselves to me and see themselves as better.
That makes me sad. Firstly because they underestimate me so much (we all know I'm totally kick ass awesome, right?!) but also because finding other people to shit on in order to feel superior is a nasty way to stumble through life.
I don't compare myself to you. I touched on it in a previous post - my worst thing doesn't have anything to do with your best thing; my anything has nothing to do with your anything. I do nit compare myself to you. We are different. If you succeed I am glad for you. Sometimes i might be jealous, but that doesn't erase my pleasure for you. If you fail, I feel bad for you, even if I dislike you, because it's tough and sad. I don 't glory in your failure. I don't celebrate it.
There is only one way I compare us and it's simply that I am someone I like to be around, and i'm someone I am happy to let my children know. I can't say that for you, so I'm sorry but I'm walking away, you're no longer part of my sphere of influence. Poison breeds poison and I only want the sunshine in our life. I hope that you find some happy. please leave me alone to celebrate mine.