Thursday, 12 May 2011

Not enough hours!

There are not enough hours in the day, in the week, in the month - ten minutes ago it was the weekend and now it's 9pm on Thursday and it feels like I'm still getting ready to start the week and it's already almost over!

I managed to spend some time with my friends this week though - one friend came over for the day with her two lovely little girls and we had a good catch up - somehow over a month had gone by AGAIN without seeing her even though she lives so close.

Today we went to our usual Thursday "Breastfriends" peer supporter group and afterwards spent a couple of hours with another friend and her youngest two children - Roman was HYPER afterwards (maybe because I kept giving him jaffa cakes)

Today had another benefit - we were waiting for the bus and the man came to change the poster in the bus stop - "What happens to the old ones?" says I - "They get recycled" says he...hmm..."Could it be recycled by coming to my house?" 

He said they weren't meant to - but Roman said please like the cutest child ever created and that was that - one GIANT poster rolled up and stored under the pushchair - Roman now has a wall sized (literally wall sized) poster of "Hop" - which we haven't seen yet, but he thinks his giant picture is "very exciting Mummy".

This is the poster he has!

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Day five

So last week I realised I was running on fumes and packed all full of crazy in the face - it kind of sneaks up on you and until you look back weeks rather than hours or just days you don't realise how bad you've got - but I was a wreck, I was scared and anxious all the time, avoiding people, snarly and bitchy and just so, so tired - but too anxious to sleep. I finally admitted I was a bit lost and spoke to my HV and then my GP (as I posted on Friday on this blog post

I was pretty much this by the time I spoke to someone and I was feeling pretty lonely  and worried that if I DID speak up people would know what a Bad Mummy I was and I wouldn't get to be with the boys. Even as I was thinking things like that I knew they weren't true - but when you feel that kind of anxiety nothing is very rational.

The following day I'd taken two of my new tablets - the ones designed to stop me fizzing with constant anxiety and help me to be me and sleep again. I'd slept better the previous night after my first tablet - probably more because I'd actually spoken to someone and hadn't been called a freak. Probably mostly down to the fact that a number of people had read my blog and commented and said "Me too" - knowing I wasn't alone helped a lot. I still felt, though, like it was all just on the other side of a look or a comment or a single cry from the boys - all the crazy just sitting there under my skin waiting to blow up. 

5 days in now though I'm beginning to see that there might be light at the end of the tunnel. I take my tablets in the morning and for a couple of hours I feel sick but that's already getting better. I have breakfast and do housework and play with my boys. Today we're going out (we went out on Sunday to a family gathering but I had Alex with me and didn't really speak to anyone) and I'm actually looking forward to it, not doing it because I feel I have to or there's something that needs to be done. 

Last night I went to bed - quite late because I've got used to being awake late - but I fell asleep quickly, and slept more soundly than I have in a long time. In the morning I woke up and the boys were still sleeping - for the first time in weeks I just woke up without having to be dragged out of bed feeling like I was drugged. 

I managed, last night, to have a conversation with Alex in which I didn't forget any of the words I wanted to use, I didn't drift off and stop paying attention halfway through and I didn't lose my temper with him - it's like a fog that's been sitting inside my brain has started to clear and drift away and in the middle of it the real me is waiting. 

There's a way to go and I know I'm still mostly Crazy in the Face - but one day I hope I'll be as chilled as this woman!

Monday, 9 May 2011

Both my babies

Just to compare

This is Roman in July 2009 - so around 12 weeks old

Here is Jasper at the same age - I thought Roman had been older when his hair all fell out but apparently not - maybe Jasper won't lose his?

Aside from the spiky hair it could be the same baby - every time I look at Jasper I get a jolt of familiarity because I know that baby already - then I remember it's a new one and not that baby but THAT baby. 

I'm very interested to see whether they still look alike as people because really most babies look alike I think but still!

My baby

This is my baby on the day he was born

This is Jasper 12 weeks later, being scrumptious

Sunday, 8 May 2011

My baby bunting

There's not an awful lot to say here - the pictures say it all - Roman, who is just ever so clever and wonderous, made us some lovely colourful bunting to decorate the flat and I love love love love it. 

I didn't cut the pieces out myself - my local "The Works" shop was having a sale and there was a kit in there for the grand sum of 99p - hours and hours of fun for a bargain price, one happy toddler, one colourful home and lots of happy faces. Win!

Roman's favourite is "Wocket, zoom zoom!" 

I made this

Thank you Tommee Tippee, thank you expressing, thank you Husband of wonder, thank you lie in. I love Sundays. Oh yes I do.