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Saturday, 17 September 2011

Suffocating

I really don't want to post this blog but I'm going to even though I'm crying, a lot. I've cried a lot today anyway.

I feel like I'm suffocating. I had a couple of hours alone today - after breaking down at my husband again - and he took the boys out because I just couldn't handle being touched any more. The boys haven't been well this week which has made my normally independent boys VERY clingy. The entire week I've had one or other, or both, attached to me at all times. Neither have been sleeping properly and both have only slept if they've been in with us (which quickly means in with me as my husband flees to the sofa) and both want to be cuddled so I have one lying on me on each side.

When I need the loo I either have them both in there or crying outside the room. To leave or come into the flat I obviously have to carry baby but big has wanted to be carried too - we live in a first floor flat - and I can't carry both at once so have to do shuttle runs. Whichever child has to wait upstairs or downstairs as I take the first cries - then they cry as I go for the other child.

I haven't had a single nano second to myself without one of them screaming, misbehaving or clinging onto me all week. They are permanently attached. They have been sick on me, pooped on me, smeared snot on me, bitten me, scratched me, slapped me, headbutted me and shouted at me all day, every day.

I'm done. I've had enough. I'm sick of being touched and want some breathing space. I LIKE being alone and never get to do it.

I miss being alone with my husband.

I miss reading a book in the bath.

I miss having a poo without someone watching me and wanting to sit on my knee.

I miss having a drink without having to share.

I miss being a person and not a Mummy.

I miss me. I'm suffocating.

Friday, 16 September 2011

What's in your handbag?

This was something lots of bloggers were doing a meme FOREVER ago - it was started on Britmums and I really enjoyed reading a whole bunch, and intended to get in on it because all the cool kids were doing it - then I forgot - then I remembered again and wondered if I'd left it too late...but sod it! 


Cafebebe did this, and I'm a little jealous of how tidy she seems to have it.


MostlyYummyMummy did it, and  had a sabre tooth smuggled in her grown up bag. 


MediocreMum did it and doesn't really HAVE a handbag - but has a hilarious photo of herself falling over so it's worth a look ;-)


Mamasaurus did it and I am VERY jealous of her owl shaped purse. 


BooandMe did it and thinks her bag was very full...no, it's not. Not compared to me!


I have had this bag less than a month. About three weeks. I have a seperate changing bag - the changing bag is the changing bag - this is MY handbag. My Mummy bought me a proper grown ups proper grown up handbag, for me, that wasn't a changing bag, and has no children's things in, all for myself. It's alllllllllllll for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. 


And look at it - it's goooooooooooorgeous! 



It has a dangly oojit thingymabob, with dangles on!

and it's MINE and not for children at all. Not at all, not even a little bit. I was never, ever, ever going to have anything even vaguely Mummy related in this bag, not ever ever, it's all for Elizabeth, not for Mummy. But then...I looked inside it...and, um...whoops!






Name; Elizabeth 
Blog - Mommatwo.com
Number of children - two
Date photo taken - September 13th

Top row, 6 sachets of calpol. Because it's not a Mummy bag?
Next row; my keys, baby's keys, chewing gum, mints and more chewing gum (mmmmminty) medication (happy pills) painkillers, rennies (for my husband) pile of receipts and bus tickets. 
Next row; mints, husband's gym card, purse and loose coins, strange green sock with iPhone headphones in for rare occasions I can listen to music when I'm out somewhere, pile of breastpads, toddler's toothbrush, perfume-that-my-husband-likes-the-best and two prescriptions I've not got around to collecting yet.
Third row; sparkly hip flask with, um, flavoured gin in it...um...pack of cards for spontaneous poker games...pack of weaning spoons for Midget Gem, lottery ticket, pen, emergency-magic-bubbles-for-entertaining-Jellybean, keyring from my bestie, nappy cream, nappy cream, life saving chocolate-covered-coffee-beans-of-joy from the best place in the world, single and slightly battered syrup waffle, for emergency use. 

There are a number of concerns here. 1; how do I fit SO MUCH into that little tiny bag? 2; Why do I have SO MUCH stuff for the kids in a bag that's not meant to have anything of theirs in because I also take a changing bag everywhere? 3; Gin? 

So yes - proof that I'm a GREAT mother, right there - evidence of gambling, drug addiction, alcoholism and a serious mint and caffeine problem...excellent. 

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Apptastical!

I wasn't intending to blog tonight but discovered that Blogger have finally made an app, so I can blog easily from my phone - hurrah!
Normally at this time of night I'm on my laptop catching up with the to-do list I've never, ever been on top of and writing - but today has been a day of achieving very little beyond looking after two small boys who are made of tummy bugs and poorly. I'm not well either - one of the highlights of poorly children us sharing germs, right!?
Normally missing a whole day fills me with panic because my anxiety is always bubbling just below my skin, trying to explode...today, I've just enjoyed the cuddles and relaxed my deadlines. I'm the only one who makes the deadlines anyway, so the world won't end if I miss some.

That's pretty huge.

Anyway - my options are 1; get out of bed and write, or 2; this cuddle...this cuddle wins :-)