Warning readers - not only does this post contain ranting it contains some SERIOUS over sharing. I'm known for my over sharing (though not anywhere near as bad as my friend Molly, who makes me look like a right tight lipped lady!) but don't get all ick when I warned you in advance!
So. Sanitary care. Or, as I call it, 'unsanitary products of woe'.
I have known all my adult/adolescent life that 'sanitary' products had VAT added and have long bitched about this, muttering words like "luxury my spotty arse" and "have a fucking HAPPY PERIOD?!" (that wasn't really muttered, ever.)
The thing with these 'sanitary' products is that they seem never to have involved women, women who actually have periods, in their design.
Sanitary towels have magical powers - they claim that they stick discreetly into your underwear and provide such magical absorbing powers that you could don a pair of bright white micro shorts and abseil down the Eiffel Tower screaching "LOOK, I'M ON MY PERIOD AND YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL - I'M HAVING SUCH A GREAT TIME!"
What ACTUALLY happens is that you peel them from their wrapper, wonder which way around they are, position them in such a way that either it's too far back and the front curls over and sticks to your pubes, leaving a smear of blood on your pants, or it's too far forward and your period eeks down your bum crack and leaves a smear of blood on your pants.
If it has wings you think you're safe - but they tend to come unstuck, and either stick to the pad itself, leaving a gap where you can get a smear of blood on your pants, or it sticks to your muff, hurting and leaving a smear of blood on your pants.
If there are no wings the pad will simply roll itself into a tube, meaning that the absorbent top coat is hidden, leaving just the blood-resistant outer layer to stick to your muff and leave smears of blood on your pants.
The extra long night time ones? They feel like you have a phone directory between your legs and seem to funnel the flow, leaving a smear of blood on your pants.
Now you can get scented pads - to cover up the horrific pong of the rotten insides that are oozing from your vagina. These claim to smell like flowers and give you a 'spring fresh' feel to your fanny. What they actually do is combine with the smell of period to make you smell like formaldehyde - and who the fuck needs their fanny to smell like flowers anyway?!
An added joy is the unmentionable chemicals used in creating these monstrosities. They, combined with the sweating and bacteria and 'perfume', all mix into a hellish concoction that gives you blisters on your minge. This isn't a good look - and it certainly doesn't make me want to go abseiling or horse riding.
Whatever brand you go for, whatever style you choose, you can guarantee two things. One - you will NOT want to take up netball. Two - you WILL get a smear of blood on your pants.
Don't even get me STARTED on fucking tampons.
Feel free to comment and join in - but be warned, if one single person mentions the word 'mooncup' to me (WHY DO I WANT A BUCKET OF BLOOD IN MY FANNY - WHY?!) I cannot be held responsible for my actions!