This morning I was top of the bad Mummy lists, and am utterly horrified with myself.
Today I had to drop the boys at the childminder's new house - which is further away than the old house and do I had to set off a bit earlier. I wasn't sure exactly where I was going and got all worked up getting out of the flat.
I did as I always do once we reached the car - a bit of a walk from home. I opened a door so Jellybean could climb up to his seat, I lifted Midget Gem into his seat, straps all fastened, pushchair in boot, bag into front seat, key in ignition, drive.
All the way there I kind of ignored the chatter from behind me apart from occasionally muttering "mm hmm, yes, really?" but I wasn't paying attention, I was trying to remember which turning was the right one in a series of narrow one way streets to an unfamiliar place with a huge car that isn't mine.
So when we arrived I turned to smile at the kids to say "we're here!" and felt sick when I saw Jellybean sitting in the middle, NOT in his carseat, reading a book to Midget Gem.
Oh. My. God.
I hadn't strapped him in. Not only that. I didn't register when he said sitting in the middle was fun, and I didn't look at him once on the journey, which I usually do!
How did that even happen?
None of the circumstances are an excuse - none excuse the fact that I drove without strapping him in. None have been able to stop my mind showing me graphic showreels depicting gruesome crash scenes. None of that will make me feel ok or turn off my guilt and my what if.
I drove without strapping him in.
Worst Mummy in the world? I'll take that badge.