In the spirit of decency I shall warn you that this post contains talk about Lady Issues, hormones and things "downstairs". Yep, that downstairs. Not in a kinky way. Unless you're REALLY odd!
My family all knew I was best avoided, and my friends at school did the same - so I spent a lot of my time raging at nobody, because they wouldn't come near me.
This was pretty awful - I was pretty awful - so my GP suggested that that, along with my crippling and erratic periods, could be aided with the magic of The Pill.
I capped that up so you'd know it was important - imagine it being said with cherubs 'ooohing' and strumming their tiny harps with their tiny chubby fingers. Oooooooh, The Pill.
I wasn't put on the pill (sorry, The Pill) for contraceptive reasons - I was far too vile for anyone to want to actually have sex with me - but to control those other aspects.
Some of the time, it worked. Most of the time I was still vile, with painful and erratic periods. For many moons investigations continued up until the age of 24, a few months into a wonderful new relationship, when I was told that I had PCOS and endometriosis. Nice combo! It was suggested that I would do better if I came off the pill, and I was led to believe this combination of woe would mean I couldn't get pregnant. Which I did. Four days later.
Pregnant was GREAT - it meant no periods, no pain, no wondering whether today I was going to bleed unexpectedly, no having to carry around pads and tampons and wet wipes and spare knickers - magical! I still had mood swings, but hey, at least I wasn't infertile!
After Jellybean was born I had long discussions with the GP and we decided that the mirena coil was the best option - it would stop me catching pregnant and would basically stop my periods.
I had it fitted - during which hideous experience the GP said "Whoops! Oh, that's never happened before!" - which didn't flood me with confidence. It HURT. He clipped my cervix, which HURT. It was fitted badly, which HURT.
It HURT for months, constantly, and I bled from the very first day he fit it until two days before our wedding, five months later.
The reason it had stopped hurting is because it had dislodged from 'prime location' - and guess what?! I got pregnant! Cue more happy months of no bleeding - hurrah!
After Midget Gem arrived I, once again, had the looooooooong conversations with the GP. This time I refused the coil - what with the HURTING and the bleeding and the pregnant. I refused the jab, which I had briefly experimented with at 19, and gained 4 stone. I refused the implant or patch, because they are the same as the jab, on which I got FAT.
So the pill it was! I duly started popping it daily, and I bloated, I bled, I hurt, I was MENTAL and shouty, I bled, I shouted, I bled. I went back and was switched to a different pill. I bled. I shouted, bloated, shouted some more, ranted at anyone who would stand still for more than 17 seconds near me because EVERYTHING IS IRRITATING and I bled.
I bled for months and months. I bled from a few days before Christmas day - until last monday.
Last monday I went back to the doctor - to a new one this time. One I had chosen for her knowledge and mad skillz with contraceptives. "Stop taking it" says she "progesterone dislikes you, you like progesterone."
I stopped bleeding that day - and since then I have felt a MILLION times better. It turns out, surprising to everyone including me, that I'm actually quite calm - I get up in the morning in a good mood. I rant less. (It's not a MIRACLE!) I shout less. (I repeat, not a miracle!) I enjoy my days, I laugh more, I am happy.
I am happy.
Not happy-ish, not ok, but actual happy.
My husband has said many times that he likes this me - that I'm fun and nice and it's nice to be around me so happy.
Even my boss questioned the change in mood! (Hi boss, this is why!)
The Pill (cherubs, harps, "ooooh") is great for some people, I'm sure - but I am OFF the pill, and now that I feel like a real human being, who can control her own moods, I never, ever want to go on it again.
I'm hoping that the painful symptoms of the broken innards are manageable - I'm reading up a lot on how to help them and fingers crossed I cope.
Now can someone help me out with the whole not catching pregnant again thing?!