I think it was four days after being told that I would need medical assistance to have babies that I fell pregnant with Jellybean, aged 24, 5 months after meeting my now husband. Which was a bit of a surprise.
After Jellybean I had the magical, glorious, wonderful months and months of feeding him and not having a period - then when it came back I had to decide what contraceptive method to opt for. I went for the mirena. It was fitted terribly, it was agony, constantly, and I bled for months.
The week of our honeymoon it finally felt a little better, the pain was less, the bleeding stopped. It turns out that it had dislodged - which we realised when I got pregnant on honeymoon. Which was, to say the least, a little unexpected.
So when Jellybean was just 22 months old we also had a tiny Midget Gem.
The first pregnancy was pretty rough towards the end - I had terrible pain in my pelvis and my hips became very loose, I swayed painfully when I walked, and giving birth to a 9lb 9oz baby who is facing the wrong way is pretty difficult - so the rather forcible assistance I got from the midwives caused some fairly nasty damage to that whole pelvis area.
I was still seeing the physiotherapist when I got pregnant the second time. By 8 weeks I was struggling with the pain. At 11 I got crutches. By 17 I was housebound and I spend the last few weeks in a wheelchair after the midwife watched me through the window take ten minutes to cross the room when she popped over for a surprise visit. A consultant visit led to a c-section just before 37 weeks pregnant (and a healthy 8lb 12oz monster baby!)
I had some quite intensive physio after the c-section and had a support belt for months. I asked there whether it would be wise to have another baby. "Don't even think about it, unless you think it's ok to not walk again" was basically the response.
I struggle with this.
This time when the time came to think about contraception I went with the pill. I bled for five months and turned into Satan. So I stopped taking it.
I am now opting for "GET OFF ME" as a method of avoiding pregnancy.
I don't want more hormones messing with my own. I don't want a coil, because I don't trust it. I don't want the patches or implants, they are the same hormones as the pill. I don't know what to do.
I think the only real option for us is steralisation - for one or both of us (you know, just to be sure, look at our track record!) but we both balk a little because I'm only 28, he is only 30. That's pretty young to say 'never ever again'.
Only I also know I don't want to be pregnant again. I mean, I do, it is amazing, but I don't want to be in a wheelchair, wondering whether I could ever get out of it again. I just starting running again - there was a time we wondered if I'd ever be able to. I can wear heels again. That was a big no no for many months after having my boys.
I don't want to go through the pain, the fear, of all that.
But I do want more children.
We've spoken a lot about fostering and adoption, and are both keen to look into those areas in a couple of years. I would love to adopt a child or two to join our family, but wonder how it would work, and whether we'd be allowed, whether we would ever succeed.
I don't know what to do. Do I bite the bullet and get my innards knotted up? Do I make him? Do I stick with "GET OFF ME" and hope for the best?