I tweeted earlier today about a nauseating sense of unexplained impending dooooooooom that I have permanently at the moment. It isn't much fun, and there's nothing specific I can put my finger on that's concerning me.
It's more that there's nothing really concerning me.
Things are going well. I'm happy, I'm having fun, I'm getting some exciting developments work wise, my children are healthy and happy and fabulous.My husband is wonderful and we're happy. My job is great, I have fantastic friends, I have lots to do and lots of amazing people to do it with.
It's all going too well.
I'm worried, mostly, that if I relax and enjoy all this, everything that's going well, I'll get complacent and take it for granted. If I do that it's certain to cause SOME KIND OF DISASTER and boom, something will break.
I'm really disconcerted by things going well. I am aware that it's stupid, and that the only thing spoiling all the lovely that's happening right now is me worrying that something will spoil it - but surely I'm not the only person who works this way?
I'm nervous every day that me being at work is damaging the boys. I'm nervous that it isn't, and that they don't need me. I'm nervous that I'm going to do something spectacularly wrong or just incompetent and lose my job. I'm worried that I won't and that I'll be there happily forever.
I'm worried that something will happen to the boys, or to my husband, or my parents, or me.
I spent my hour long drive to and from work glad that I haven't crashed at every corner I turn and wondering who will tell the children if I do.
I have planned the way I'll tell my family if I get cancer.
I know how we'll escape if the house catches fire.
I am scared that the children will get sick.
I speak to lots of people every day who, I have convinced myself, are playing an elaborate game where they pretend to like me but there's really a catch.
I plan how I will cope if my husband leaves me.
I know what arrangements I'll need to make for childcare and home adaptions if I lose my legs.
I have a constant, relentless mental narrative pointing out all the dangers around us and the disasters we could be hit with.
When things are going badly I have none of this. I don't have it because I'm busy making sure we're ok and that the things that are tough don't break us.
There's nothing breaking us or making things hard right now. So I worry.
This is mental.
I am tired.