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Saturday, 22 September 2012

Instructions for a Mummy tantrum

Step one: Destroy the precious table cloth that Mummy bought and has kept safe for years and years, since before she had children, or even a dining table.

Step two: Watch with interest as Mummy buys, with embarrassing excitement, a new tablecloth to replace the very old and never cleanable cloth that she had kept safe for years and years, since before she had children - or even a proper dining table.

This time Mummy thinks she has been smart buying oilcloth.

Step three: Carefully rub tomato pasta into the oilcloth table cloth. This is the one substance Mummy cannot remove. Also chew the edges of the cloth, making it look like rodents have been in the house.

Step four: When Mummy suggests trying to manage without a table cloth make sure you scratch the surface of the table that she is crazy protective of. Immediately.

Step five: Throw a huge tantrum in the shop when Mummy buys another table cloth. Mummy thinks she is being smart again by buying enormous plastic place mats with lorries on to sit in front of you. Act excited about having these. It is key to the final step.

Step six: Within an hour of Mummy putting the new cloth on the table demand a snack of fruit. Sit at the table and talk about how much you love your place mat with the lorries on. When Mummy gives you your fruit - in a bowl for extra protection - ask for a drink.

Step seven: When Mummy turns her back slide your big plastic place may with the lorries on it out of the way and carefully mash every strawberry and blueberry into her new table cloth. Laugh.

The result is one giant Mummy tantrum, one three year old with pink and purple finger tips saying "it isn't nice to shout" and a google search for how to get strawberry stains out of tablecloths.

Sigh.