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Monday, 28 January 2013

Wobbles and highs

Today was a great day, I had a good meeting this morning, I met some fab people I might be able to work with, I had a great time with the kids, I managed a sneaky afternoon nap without any tragedies, I had cream cakes for dinner...a great day!

But I still had a mad little weep at around 9pm that threw me! 

My husband was out walking the dog, the boys were fast asleep in bed, I was watching some SERIOUSLY trashy TV (Jersylicious on Netflix - it's AWFUL but so addictive!) and I was chatting on twitter whilst watching my trash and drinking tea with too many sugars (shh) and boom, there I went. 

I was talking about how often we all say "I love you" here. Every morning Jellybean wakes me with kisses, the boys both snuggle in for cuddles, Jellybean says "I love you Mummy, you are the greatest of all the Mummies" (every day, without fail, it's the first thing he says to me) Midget Gem gives me the biiiiiiiiiig biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig kisses that are our special trademarked family kiss, we all have a little love in before we start our day. 

As many times as we can, throughout the day, we all say "I love you" and have cuddles and kisses. "Mummy duddle" is a phrase that echoes around the house all the time, no matter what we're doing we stop for a kiss. 

Bedtime is a flurry of cuddles, kisses, snuggles - we have to do all the kinds of kiss we know, Eskimo, butterfly, tiny kiss, normal kiss, big big kiss, crocodile kiss, lion kiss, special kiss (just between their eyebrows on the top of their nose) and sometimes we run out of kisses and have to top each other up by giving a lot a lot a lot of kisses all over each other's face to make sure there are enough kisses to give back! 

We're the most affectionate family ever - and when I was talking about it on twitter I remembered why it started. 

After I had Midget Gem, when we moved to the tiny flat in Weymouth, I had HORRIBLE PND. I thought I was going to die. I was too scared to leave the house in case someone walking by snatched the baby out of the pushchair and threw him into the road. I was scared that I would wobble the pushchair off the curb in front of a bus. I was scared that Jellybean would run away and fall into the harbour and drown. I was scared that my husband would crash his car and never come home. I was scared ALL the time that one of us, all of us, would die and I could barely breathe I was so afraid. 

I never wanted any of us to leave the flat and cried every single day. I never slept because I was watching everyone to make sure they were still breathing, and I couldn't go to sleep in case they died when I wasn't looking.

I was scared if I did sleep *I* would die and the boys would grow up without a Mummy. I was scared constantly. 

Because I was so scared I wanted to make sure that they all knew I loved them - I wanted the last thing I ever said to be "I love you" - so I said it all the time. All. The. Time. Every thing we did, everywhere we went, no matter what, "I love you" was being said every few minutes. 

And the PND didn't last, the terror lifted, happiness came back, I was happy, loving my family, enjoying our lives and no longer lived with the constant terror that I was going to lose them, or they were going to lose me.

But "I love you" has stayed. We say it all day. Ever hour we've all said it at least a dozen times. The effect doesn't wear off, it hasn't become just words from us saying it so much, we all KNOW it. We all feel loved. The children know they're loved, we know they love us. Spontaneously the children will kiss and cuddle us, or each other, and say "I love you" and Jellybean blows kisses to family photos and tells us he loves everyone. 

I love all this love. I love all this affection. I cried this evening because I was remembering a hard, scary time in our lives - but the result of it is a family who show and tell each other every day that they love each other, and are affectionate. 

So it was worth it. 

4 comments:

  1. Oh! This is me. Problem is that I've only just hit that fear and am immobilised by it sometimes, it's the basis of my panic attacks.

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    1. It comes and goes with me. I have 'generalised anxiety disorder' following on from the PND. This is a good week, but I still couldn't breathe, just for a minute there. I had to phone my husband and tell him to come home because I was scared, just briefly, that he'd died when they were out on their walk!

      I know that you're nervous of doing it, but I think a visit to your doctor will really, really help - because you'll know that you're totally normal, that they see people suffering this same panic every day, that they can HELP most importantly.

      It doesn't mean you're failing your family in any way - asking for help when you need it is precisely what makes you a good Mum, because knowing when it's ok and neccessary to get some support is important.

      I get by on a daily dose of citalopram, lots of calls to people I can talk to and knowing my own warnings so I can handle it. I visit my doctor every month and had counselling with the PND, and I'm glad for all of it. It's great to know there's support there if I fall - knowing it is what stops me from falling.

      If you need to talk to someone please talk to me, I know exactly, EXACTLY, what you're going through. It does get better xxx

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  2. Ahh that's so so lovely because at the of the day and at the end of everything that's what really matters. Z has only just started saying it to me and its so lovely and perfect! :)

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    1. Hearing them say it back is the greatest sound on earth - and them searching the house because they found a kiss they need to give me, well, perfect :-D

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