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Monday, 11 March 2013

My kiss bank is empty! Showing affection to children.

I'm quite an affectionate person. I like cuddles and snuggles and I'm lucky because my children do too. We are a cuddly family, and our mornings start with four in a bed snuggles, we kiss and cuddle as many times as we humanly can in an average day. 

Jellybean and I have developed a bedtime kissing routine - first we have a normal kiss, then a teeny tiny kiss, then a big kiss, a bigger kiss, a BIIIIIIIIIIIIIG kiss, an eskimo kiss, a lion kiss and a kiss on the special bit (the top of his nose). We do the full routine then he has to give me all the kisses without me kissing back.

Only quite often, halfway through, one of us will find that our kiss bank is all empty!

That means that the other person has to do lots and lots and lots and lots of kisses, all over the other's face. That tops up the kiss banks and the routine can start again!

Midget Gem doesn't have the language for kiss banks yet, but he is the KING of 'duddles' and he likes nothing better than a huge squeeze - he shouts "squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze" as he does it - and he does excellent big sloppy kisses with it. 

Both boys are really affectionate and I hope that it always stays with them. Some families find it harder to do kisses and cuddles than we do, and I'm sure when they're teenagers they'll back off with the eskimo kisses and kiss banks, but I hope that what we're developing is lovely grown up men who one day will be super affectionate with their own families. 

I think it's important to show - demonstrate, all the time - how much love their is. We can't give them fancy expensive things or all the shiny gadgets - but we can show them every single day how much we love them, and how important they are. 

When you're told something very often, daily, all the time, it sinks in to your skin and bones and becomes a part of you. 

I fight every day against feeling that nobody will love me, that I will fail, that I am worthless. I fight it because I was told it, over and over and over again, and it was horrible. 

I tell my children all the time how loved they are. I laugh at their bad jokes, I listen to their stories, I answer their questions. I get frustrated but when I do even if I'm snapping and want them to shut up I try to remember to say "I love you very much but I can't listen right now - but I promise I will soon" and there isn't a single night where I don't sing them a lullaby and tell them how adored they are. 

As they sleep at night, before I climb into bed myself, I whisper in their ear just one last time. I say the same thing every night. 

"You are so beautiful. You are funny, clever, handsome and brilliant. You are perfect. You are loved. I love you. You are so very loved."



I'm pretty sure they believe me, too. They are fairly confident kids!

13 comments:

  1. Aw this is beautiful.

    My husband grew up in a violent home and was never told he was loved, quite the opposite. I was lucky enough to grow up in a home full of love. We're both keen to ensure H never doubts our love and as such have developed our own little kiss and cuddle routines through the day!

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    1. I think that's lovely and I'm glad that despite his own childhood your husband can do love and kisses - it can be hard after that.

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  2. My family were never that affectionate, it was clear that we were loved but we weren't big on the cuddling and kissing. But I'm the same as you with my 2, always telling them that I love them and we always have bed time kisses (although not as many as you guys!). Even if they're too young to really understand it.
    Without being morbid it's important for me to always say goodbye either at bedtime or when I leave the house, just in case it is the last time.

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    1. I totally understand and I think the same way! Thank you for linking the post on your blog xxx

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  3. Enjoy your kiss bank times these days are magical. Things do move on as they get older,some things get so much easier but the big kisses I miss in my older ones now.

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    1. I hope that they are always affectionate and will let silly old Mum hug them when they're teenagers - or at least the mortification will pass!

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  4. aaaaw we love our snuggles too! Lots of huggies and kissies here!

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    1. You just can't beat a proper cuddle

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    2. I don't understand your point about being told you were useless and unlovable all the time. Who by? You post about your family all the time and they respond positively to your comments continuously. Who told you you were worthless? If this didn't come from home, how will you safeguard against it with your boys

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    3. Hi Lucy - I get on great with my family, but was bullied at school horribly (and for the most part kept it from them) then was in a couple of bad relationships afterwards that were pretty awful - and again I kept that from my family; I hope that my kids won't ever hide that kind of thing from me, but more I hope that they are more confident than I ever was and that they just never experience those things.

      I can't protect them from everything but hopefully if I can keep our relationship open and supportive and affectionate they'll know they can come to me if they DO ever have those bad experiences.

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    4. Apologies - you may have noticed (?) that was incomplete! ... And then I got frozen screen until now!!! Was meant to say ... How do you safeguard your boys from it and what can I do to protect my own children. Both my husband and

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  5. And again .... Both my husband and I had blissfully happy childhoods but I can't help worrying about everything I see in the media and hear from friends with older children. I guessed your angst must have been peer based and I think love and support at home can really help this but how can we make sure our kids feel loves enough to open up about this stuff? I guess I want to know why you couldn't, despite the love and the fact that you are so good with words?

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    1. I think we all worry about the media and bullying - I've posted a few times about it and how much it worries me because I was bullied so horribly and it stuck with me for years; however my husband was never bullied - and says that maybe people tried but he was so confident that he just didn't notice and laughed things off.

      I think that's what I'm aiming for with the boys - so confident that things just bounce off, and they don't have any real chips in their armour that anyone can get under their skin.

      I don't think we can totally protect them - which scares me - but I also can't seem scared because if I do they'll hide things from me so I don't get upset.

      It's hard to know what's the best way to deal with things - but if we can brush off any silliness they will learn to, and I hope it works.

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