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Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Remember that day we had a baby

Last week my very lovely friend from school - the best of the friends that I had and have - and the most tolerant of all my angst through our teenage friendship - had A BABY. 

A REAL BABY. 



A real, beautiful, tiny and perfect she baby. 

I am over the moon - just totally over the moon - and cannot wait to land on their doorstep with Aunty Mommatwo arms wide open, thrusting fluffy presents at my now totally unimportant friend so I can snuffle her newborn's tiny head. 

Without oversharing a story that isn't mine the birth was a bit of a rough ride that ended in a c-section (but all are recovering beautifully) and in trying to remember the things that helped after ours (walk your hands up a wall to get upright, don't hunch over that healing wound ladies!) I was remembering in detail the whole c-section experience. 

This reminiscing was such fun that I dragged Daddytwo into it - and he remembers things from a very different point of view to mine!

Here are some highlights of the hilarious conversation we had - be prepared for some IMMENSE level overshares. 

As I was anesthetised a big arguement began just outside the door. The last op had overrun and the surgeon who was on shift didn't want to start mine because he finished soon and it would take him over the end of his shift. The other didn't want to do it because he hadn't started yet and shouldn't have to start before his shift started. 

In the end they argued so long that the shift change came and first doc left, second doc came in and the poor anaesthetist who had been battling to keep me numb but not poorly whilst my blood pressure repeatedly plummeted and I groaned "I feel a bit funny" in the way Gollum points the way gave him a good telling off for leaving me there so long!

One surgeon was quite short and when they did the huge yanking pull that separates the lower levels of skin (yes ladies, that's right; they cut the top layers neatly then jam in their fingers and literally rip the rest apart, like wolves sharing a deer carcass) she was on a stool and wasn't quite ready, lost her balance and almost pushed me off the wonky table! 

The midwife who was there to grab baby as soon as he was born was recently qualified - this was her first solo c-section and she was quite excited beforehand. The adrenaline was clearly a bit overwhelming for the poor lass because she looked over just as they were rummaging inside me and looked right at the gore - and did a huge dry heave and almost threw up on her feet. 

The slurping noise as they try to stop your waters sploshing all over the floor is hilarious. I might have just been a bit high on nerves but I got a fit of the giggles because it sounded like wet farts and I was worried I was actually DOING wet farts. 

Once baby was out I couldn't see what they were doing and Daddytwo told me after that they 'scrubbed me out with giant cotton buds right up the foof' and I've been left with an image of those big things they used in Gladiators, bashing around my special place brutally. Apparently I've made that a little more traumatic than it really was! 



And the final moment, filled with joy; right at the end of the process the Doctor gives you some pain relief, in the form of a suppository. He was ever so nice about it and knows that it's something people aren't keen on - so said; 

"I'm just going to pop a little pain relief in; it's a suppository so I'm going to pop it up your bottom, if that's ok?"

and before I had chance to speak my husband pipes up from beside me;

"Oh go on, why not, it is Valentines day after all!"


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